Addressing Slanderous Rumors (Fairy Godmother)

Semester 1 2024 Content Team

I (45M) earn a living working as a Fairy Godmother (See my contact details below: $4.99 a wish, down from $699). Now this isn’t simple wish-granting, wand-waving nonsense. I had to miss Coachella to go to a day-long class to learn this very special skill. My packages come with a free consultation and there’s a lot of thought that goes into it BEFORE I abracadabra your deepest desires. It takes skill. Finesse. But lately I’ve been finding my clients extremely ungrateful! Reviews are sinking my star ratings and I’m hoping that by telling my side of the story things will change, ASAP! I have a whole colony to feed, and while they are surviving off my crumbs and leftovers, my darling rats prefer worms, vegetables, and liver pellets.

So to address some rather unfortunate allegations: the lady who left a review about alleged wild cats in her home (who spent the whole consult ranting about her obsession with Tiger King, I’ll add) LOVES big cats. So even if the allegations are true, I don’t see how I did anything wrong by giving her twenty. Then she has the gall to leave a bad review. And to later find out that she was allegedly ARRESTED for smuggling exotic animals, resulting in the alleged death of twelve neighbours??? I mean, she’s clearly the one with issues. Yes, she probably wanted domesticated cats but I’ve basically turned her into Tiger Queen and there will for sure be a Netflix docco on her. TBH I should be getting a cut of the proceeds.

So, Wish-makers, am I the asshole?

Profile: cat_lover_20 

How can I be the Tiger Queen when I’ve been sentenced to twenty years in prison? I’m not the one with issues here! There’s a difference between liking wild animals and wanting twenty of them IN YOUR HOME! You talk of skill, but you’re just a con artist with vermin for family. Do you even care about the deaths you’ve caused or the lives you’ve ruined? ‘You’re the asshole’ is an understatement.


Profile: MusicBot 

You’re the winner!


Profile: Stypahorklikson1 

Fuck you! 😡😡🤡👿💩😡😤😡😡😡😡


Profile: user19872378 

Rats?! You’re worried about feeding your rats?! YTA for guilting us into paying for shitty wishes. THIS IS A SCAM.

Profile: Cripto_Boi_29  

Totally the asshole. Fuck you dude. You’ll be hearing from my lawyers.


Profile: SimonXWill   

How about you get me out of prison and THEN we can think about if you’re an asshole or not!


Profile: FairyHateClub666  

Yes, you’re the f**king asshole. I’ve ended up in hospital and been fired from work.


Profile: shr00ms_  

I’ve been arrested, YTA. (Still have my shroomies though, thanks lad.)

Profile: HalpertsWife  

I’ve been in a mental asylum for eight months now, all because I wished to marry Jim from the Office. I have a certificate proving it, but no one believes me. YTA. Get me out of here.


Profile: NotaBot 

All your dreams will come true if you click this link


Profile: Clever_Girl  

I have a successful business selling my micro raptors, but that’s not what I wished for. They ate my Yorkie puppies. YTA.

Profile: SunshineDotty4

You’re a sicko. I wished for genuine happiness, which you’d think would be easy to get, right? But no. I attended my grandmother’s funeral yesterday and laughed the whole time. What is wrong with you? YTA.


Profile: KingMidas_BowDown 

I don’t know why you’re all complaining. I wished to make gold, and that’s exactly what I got. I’ve got people wiping my ass for me. 






This collaborative project, created by the Content Team of Scratch That for Semester 1, 2024, was first published in the 2024 Winter Zine on the 31st of May. Involved authors include E. L. Maloney (she/her), Dylan Oliver, Tuesday Tomlins (she/her), Mia Paton (she/her), Verity Rose (she/they), Taylor Dusina (she/her), and Phoenix Sunrider (they/she). Read their previous works published across the semester.


E. L. Maloney, Tuesday Tomlins, and Phoenix Sunrider illustrated the extra visuals used throughout the piece.


Fran Hitzke (she/her), who designed the Fairy Godmother art, is a Visual Artist working and learning in Meanjin. Her current practice examines the solitude of the human condition, particularly the concept of subjectivity of experience: where our circumstances, upbringing, and perspectives guide us to feel that what we undergo during our life is distinct and isolating.

Fran’s compositions include everyday items displayed in a discarded, dismantled, or altered manner, enhancing the symbolic undertone we apply to physical belongings. She utilises both text and conceptual titles as a bridge to resolve the belief that personal tribulations are more exclusive than they truly are. The intention of her work is to visually demonstrate the universality of personal subjectivity and actively combat the individual concealment of harmful interactions or incidents.


Artist Erin McKenna (she/her) created the thumbnail art. Inspired by childhood classics such as Shirley Barber, Monster High Dolls, and Sailor Moon, McKenna aims to create whimsical, ethereal, and uncanny contemporary artwork. She mainly works in a digital space and discusses her personal experiences with mental and physical health, sexuality and liberation, and her relationship with her body.


Find our authors and artists on social media!
E.L. Maloney: @loriciawrites
Mia Paton: @_miapaton
Phoenix Sunrider: @jazmindoesart
Fran Hitzke: @hotzkeart
Erin McKenna: @erinxisobel