The Ultra Mega Evil Book of Mega Evil

Julian Caruso

Tavil bumbled down the streets of Gheedoria, his cloak constantly catching on things he walked past. With his gnarled, taped together staff by his side, he held a mysterious tome under his arms. A warm summers evening made the walk down the street a journey in of itself. His hat, which was three sizes too big, was his only saving grace from the evening sun. Sweat streaming down his body, Tavil flicked his hand and waved a cooling spell across his face. A puff of frost exploded in his face instead. Snow dribbled down his chin. He let out a loud sneeze that echoed down the street, snot hanging from his nose. Well at least I’m c-c-cool now, he thought to himself.

Tavil finally reached his wizards tower, a rickety ruin of its former self. Windows were smashed, wood half eaten by termites. Even the door creaked in its frame. As he made his way into the dilapidated building, he lay the tome upon his lectern. Across the book the words “The Magic Spell Book of Mega Super Death,” were written. Now any upstanding wizard would think to lock something with a name like that in the deepest depths far away from humanity. Tavil, though, known for his virtuous cautiousness and tact, decided to brew a pot of chamomile tea for some light reading. Taking his spot by the lectern, he flipped the first page open. Dust flew at his face. He fanned it away, coughing and sputtering.

A giant label lined the inside of the cover. WARNING: Any and all spells contained within this tome will cause mass destruction resulting in loss of life, ruin of infrastructure, and total annihilation of the known universe…

Tavil stroked his stubble as he read on.

Under no circumstances must these spells fall into the wrong hands, lest the complete and utter devastation of the human race be wrought upon the world.

Tavil stopped for a moment, rereading the last sentence of the warning. Well I’m not the wrong hands now, am I? He thought to himself. I hardly want to destroy the world. So, he did what any upstanding wizard would, he started to chant the first incantation. He reached his hands to the heavens, robes blowing in the wind and bellowed out to the world.

‘Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit! Sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua.’ He waved his hands through the air, firing sparks of lighting from his fingertips. Dark clouds began to swirl over his head, red magic oozed from the book’s pages as Tavil casted his incantation. Black smoke billowed out of the tome, filling the room with darkness. Then everything stopped.

The oozing magic retreated back into the pages, the black smoke dissipated, and the dark clouds blew away. The book slammed shut, puffing dust back into Tavil’s face. A few moments of nothing passed by.

‘What an absolute sham!’ Tavil grabbed the book and went to toss it towards the door, but before he could let go it burst into flames. Demonic screeching filled the air as the black smoke reappeared, the dark clouds grew overhead again, and the red magic spewed out once more. The earth beneath him rumbled, followed soon by screaming in the streets. Tavil rushed to look out the window. What he saw horrified him. Hellfire rained from above. Giant meteors crashed into the earth. People ran in fear, scrambling past each other. Little red imps ran out from behind Tavil into the ruined street. Immediately they started terrorizing the local townsfolk, pushing them into burning buildings, and hurling firebolts at passers-by. They even stole babies from distraught mothers.

Tavil watched in horror at the chaos he had brought upon Gheedoria. Stunned by the madness, there was nothing he could do.

A whooshing filled the air overhead. Thinking it was a meteor, Tavil ducked back into his wizard tower. It wasn’t a meteor, however, it was his friend LowdoazemorMcYaganeamins, or Michael, for short—Michael was a few centuries older than Tavil, with a longer, silverer beard. He donned similar robes to Tavil, though his hat was four sizes too big for his head. He was also known for being the more patient of the two, usually. He descended to the ground atop his trusty cumulous cloud.

‘Michael, Michael!’ Tavil yelled. ‘I’m so glad you’re here.’

‘Tavil you bumbling moron, what have you done? I know it was you! Who else could have done this? Don’t try to deny it! This has gotten your name written all over it!’ Michael shouted hysterically.

‘Michael, you have to help me. I made a huge mistake,’ Tavil said.

‘What did you do? How did this all happen?’

‘It was all this book’s fault.’ Tavil lifted the book.

Michael was stunned at the sight, lost for words.


‘I didn’t think all this would happen.’

‘THERE’S A WARNING LABEL RIGHT THERE!’ He shoved the book into Tavil’s face, pointing at the first page. ‘CAN’T YOU READ?’

As the two bickered, the surrounding building began to crumble around them. Brick fell from the ceiling above the duo, breaking at their feet. The poor wooden framing crumpled, allowing the tower to begin collapsing entirely. The two hastily made for the door, clambering over the rubble and through what was once a doorframe. Meanwhile, the imps had since multiplied. From tens, to hundreds, to thousands. They overran the village entirely, conjuring whips to flay the townsfolk. They hissed in demonic tongues, screeching some malignant language.

‘We’ve got to do something,’ Tavil proclaimed, ‘before it’s too late.’

‘It looks like it’s pretty much too late already,’ Michael replied, ‘although there may be a solution… one last hope for humanity.’

Michael took off his large, pointed hat and thrust his arm inside, burrowing deeper than what should’ve been possible. Clinks and clanks could be heard from his hat as he dug further and further into the seemingly endless hat void.

‘Just a little further,’ he muttered, ‘Aha, I’ve got it.’ He yanked his arm out of the hat, holding another spell book. Similar in shape and size to Tavil’s book, it had the same pattern and font. Except this book was white and yellow instead of black and red. It had a different title too: “The Magic Spell Book of Mega Super Life.”

‘This seems awfully convenient,’ Tavil stated. ‘Where’d you find this?’

‘That’s not important,’ Michael responded. ‘Here, read this.’ He shoved the book into Tavil’s arms.

Tavil opened the book to the first page. Similarly, it had a long label plastered across it. For any sorcerer, wizard, or other spell chucker stupid enough to read past the warning label on a book named “The Magic Spell Book of Mega Super Death.” ARE YOU DAFT? Are you intentionally dense? What possessed you to read a book like that, let along cast an incantation contained within it?

‘Well that seems a little harsh,’ Tavil remarked.

‘Keep reading,’ Michael replied.

I mean seriously, it’s literally called “The Magic Spell Book of MEGA SUPER DEATH.” How thick can you get? It’s not like it’s high arcane literature, it’s common tongue for the lords sake—

‘Ok ok I get the picture.’ Tavil flicked to the second page. ‘We going to do this or not?’

Michael glared at him and pointed to the incantation.

‘Read it.’

Tavil once again raised his arms to the heavens, his robes flowing in the wind. Once again he thundered.

‘Auqila agnam erolod te erobal tu tnudidicni ropmet domsuie od des tile gnicsipida rutetcesnoc tema tis rolod muspi merol.’ Tavil boomed the words out to the ruined streets of Gheedoria. Bright clouds formed over his head; lightning sparked from his fingers once more. Streams of golden magic erupted from the pages, and light shone out from the tome towards the chaos.

Energy burst from the book, knocking the pair of wizards to the ground. Rays as bright as the sun flew in all directions across Gheedoria. They blasted through the falling meteors, extinguished the fires, and exorcised the demonic imps. Their screeches were silenced by the godly rays, smiting them from existence. The dark, ruinous landscape transformed back into the lush kingdom it was before. Destroyed buildings reverted back to their previous states. The townsfolk ceased screaming. The stolen babies even returned to their mothers.

Dusting themselves off, the two wizards rose to their feet. They surveyed the village in pure disbelief. The spell had worked, cast by Tavil no less. How the damage didn’t increase tenfold from his casting was a mystery to Michael.

Michael turned to Tavil, blasting him with an arcane bolt.

‘That’s for unleashing hellfire upon the land.’

Tavil landed on his arse with a loud thud.

‘Okay, okay, I’ve learned my lesson,’ he said, rubbing his back. ‘From now on, no more reading incredibly ominous enigmatic spell books.’

Michael glared at him at the word enigmatic. ‘That’s not good enough.’ He shoved another tome against Tavil’s chest. ‘From now on, you’re reading the spell book of smartness and not messing stuff up. It’s first edition.’

Tavil stared at the thin book, its bindings crudely sewed together. The title was written on a separate piece of paper and glued to the front. “The Magic Spell Book of Not Being a Dumb Shit.”

Author: Julian Caruso is a 3rd year Creative Writing student studying at QUT. His writing deals with the theme of exploration. Whether it’s a deep dive into human emotion and psyche, or discovering the beauty of the world around us, no place should be left unexplored. 

Artist: Laura Bean is a multidisciplinary artist based in Queensland, Australia. She received her Bachelor of Photography from Griffith University (2021) and is now undertaking her Bachelor of Fine Arts at QUT. Her artistic practice spans across both digital and traditional art, often exploring topics around mental health and identity.

Accessibility Reader: Jamie Stevens

Editors: Rory Hawkins and Brock Scholte